It’s been a tough week here. Not for any particular reason, just that I have weeks like that sometimes. My brain has been all doom and gloom even though my life is running pretty smoothly at the moment. I had planned to post a couple of times each week. But for whatever reason, this week, every way I tried to spin a situation to find the funny, my brain said, “Hold it right there, Sweetpea.” (My brain calls me Sweetpea. Actually it doesn’t, but I wrote it so for the sake of this post we are going to say it does. That keeps me from having to do a lot of unnecessary backspacing because forward typing is always a more positive direction, so, as my brain was saying…) “Hold it right there, Sweetpea. That’s not a damn bit funny and I’m not going to let you try to pretend that it is. You’d better get the tissues. It time for a pity party!” Then my brain would throw some confetti, blow a birthday squawker and snap a party hat on my head. My brain is just RUDE sometimes. So I kind of had a hard time coming up with something to write about. Enter my boys, the pups and the internet. Now it’s getting good!.
I’m going to tell you one of my deepest, darkest secrets. This is the kind that can get you banned from the confessional, so hang on to your hats. And for the love of George, PLEASE don’t judge me. You see, I have a fetish. It’s rather embarrassing, but the mind wants what it wants. And my mind wants butt fluff. There, I said it. Butt fluff. “Normal people” would call it undercoat, but where’s the fun in that??? Buff fluff is this thick blonde fur that German Shepherds and other “plush coated” breeds grow, mostly around their haunches, lower back and tail base. This undercoat,which we will call butt fluff hence forward because butt fluff makes me happy, grows and sheds year round. Much to my delight, it sometimes pokes out in tufts! If you’ve ever peeled open a cigarette filter then you have seen exactly what butt fluff looks like. And this stuff FASCINATES me! I could pull at it for hours if Lucy would just HOLD STILL! But apparently it itches when I pull it out. I know it’s not hurting her, because it’s just loose hair. It comes out super easy with a de-matting brush, but again, not nearly as fun. So I chase her around the house, plucking and pulling every chance I get as Lucy looks on with resignation, her eyes filled with the sadness of being betrayed. I kind of feel guilty, because how would I feel if someone was following me around picking at me all hours of the day and night. Wait – they do. That is exactly what the three men I live with do to me. And I survive, so I suspect she will too. If in a slightly irritated state. And anyway, it’s a fetish, so I couldn’t stop myself if I wanted to. After years of fancying butt fluff, I had to know if I’m the only freak in the world. I finally Googled the term last night and found precisely THREE articles containing those exact words in relation to German Shepherds. You know what that means? I HAVE FOUND MY TRIBE!!!
Which brings me to corn chip feet. See, butt fluff is not my only obsession. Again, don’t judge. You know you got some crazy of your own. So here is a little more of my crazy: I am in love with the smell of corn chip feet. Now I know what you’re thinking and to answer your question, no, I would not go around sniffing man corn chip feet. Don’t be gross. That’s how you catch things that God and Ajax can’t take off. I wouldn’t smell just any old corn chip feet. I’m talking about PUPPY corn chip feet, of course! As I teen, I was loved by a Dachshund/Poodle mix named P.C. Mousehound. As she curled up beside me to go to sleep I would sometimes get a whiff of her little corn chip feet. I LOVED that smell! I suppose I associated it with warmth and spring and unbounded affection. Sometimes I was overcome, I would grab her sweet little paws and inhale the scent. (At this point I’m beginning to have some nagging feelings of perhaps needing to seek professional therapy where my fur babies are concerned, but we’ll leave that for another day. Today I’m happy picking butt fluff and sniffing puppy feet.) A few years ago, I was sniffing Patches’ feetsies when it occurred to me to Google “dog paws smell like corn chips”. I was curious if it was just me. Lo and behold, I found a host of comments about smelly puppy feet that echoed my sentiments exactly. “I love the smell of dog feet!” “Dog paws have this amazing smell, like corn chips!” “They should make a perfume called Eau De Doggae Frito-Lay!” Okay, I made that last one up, but still. There were others out there in the world just like me. I wasn’t alone in my weirdness. And when you’re weird, nothing feels better than knowing there are other weirdos out there who understand you.
We’ve established that if you hang out on the internet long enough, you’re bound to find some like minded crazies, which is totally awesomesauce! On the other hand, you can also find some just plain crazy crazies. These would likely be the people who engage in the making of armpit fudge. (AKA Cubscouts, apparently.) I know how it sounds. So much worse than butt fluff and corn chip feet, right? Am I the only one who envisioned poo coated pits? It’s not THAT, but it’s a real thing. And I promise it’s not what you think. I had to add it to this post, though, because where else am I gonna post about armpit fudge that’s going to make any sense at all? And just the name of it is a pick-me-up after a long, hard week. When Shayne mentioned it (again) last night, I knew just how the post was gonna shape up. So now that I’ve insulted the Cubscouts by calling them crazies…and since you, too, may have had a rough week, and also since fudge, much like ice cream, covers a multitude of pains, I will share how you can have some armpit fudge of your own:
Add the following ingredients to a zippered freezer bag:
- 1/2 cup Confectioner’s Sugar
- 1 Tablespoon butter
- 2 teaspoons cream cheese
- 1/4 teaspoon vanilla extract
- 2 teaspoons unsweetened cocoa powder
Squeeze excess air from baggie. Kneed until mixed well. Use anything to smush the baggie – armits, fingers, knees, toes. When the ingredients are mixed well, use a spoon to eat the fudge, which will have the consistency of thick frosting. Enjoy your very own single serving of armpit fudge!
See – SO much better than it originally sounded!
Okay, after a week of my brain pouting and feeling sorry for itself, I have now written butt fluff, corn chip feet and armpit fudge enough to feel a smile coming on. I hope you have a super week, and if you find yourself in need of a pick-me-up, I hope you will treat yourself to a little armpit fudge. We all need a little armpit fudge now and then. And by golly, WE DESERVE IT! ‘Cause life ain’t a damn bit funny…except when it is, of course. (WINK, WINK)